


She Wants to Kill Me

by ZombieCatTookMyPudding



Series: Behind the Scenes [4]
Category: Magic School Bus
Genre: Conspiracy, Crime, F/M, Female-on-Male Abuse, Horror, Humor, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, M/M, Magic, Multi, POV First Person, Paranoia, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-03-25 16:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13838376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieCatTookMyPudding/pseuds/ZombieCatTookMyPudding
Summary: There's something about Arnold Perlstein that attracts beautiful and deadly females to him to throw him into harm's way. Is he a little paranoid? Sure. But, honestly, wouldn't you be, too?





	1. Chapter 1

"I told you Red Beard was no ordinary pirate," Ms. Frizzle winks as we all laugh for no apparent reason.

"And, cut!" the director calls out. "That's a wrap."

As everyone in my "class" cheers, I breathe out a sigh of relief. Finally, it was the series finale of The Magic School Bus. Which, after three long years, meant no more fake field trips for children's education!

I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Arnold. Arnold Perlstein. I've been a member of _The Magic School Bus_ series ever since I was created along with everyone else in 1994, based off of the book series that began in 1986.

* * *

The after party was nothing different than you'd probably expect: there was decorations, music, and most importantly, snacks. In fact, I don't think I've moved from the snack table since the party started. Whilst stuffing Mallow Blasters and Sea Wheedies in my mouth, I basically just watched everyone else dance around.

"Are you alright, Arnold?" Ms. Frizzle asks me. "I wouldn't like for you to feel left out while everyone else is having fun," she continues, laying a hand on my shoulder. She seemed surprised as I jerked it away.

"...I'm fine."

"Why so hostile, Arnold? You can be honest with me," her smile seems genuine.

"You honestly don't know?"

"I'm not sure what it is I wouldn't know if you didn't tell me."

"Sure, I'm all about creating a brighter future for kids out in the real world, but their tiny, developing don't even realize the danger we you put us in, how sore our bodies can get from constantly shrinking and transforming, and, most importantly, how close we can find ourselves to death every single time we shot an episode!"

"Well, most of it was the creators' idea, Arnold, but you honestly couldn't tell me you didn't enjoy _some_ of it."

"Yes I can!" I snap, raising my voice. "In fact, I'll tell you right now! Being a part of this series _wasn't fun_ for me!" Taking a deep breath, I calm down just enough before I can call her mean, nasty names in front of everyone and embarrass us both.

"Nothing's stopping you from going home now, Arnold. You could leave the party early if you'd like. The staff doesn't need anyone else here anymore."

"You mean it?"

"Of course, I'm off duty! Go ahead, walk out the door, right now." I look at her, then the door, then back at her, unsure. Smiling, she gestures towards the door, palm open. "See you later, Arnold!" Folding my arms across my stomach, I leave the room. Everyone else is too busy enjoying the party to notice.

I occasionally look over my shoulder every few blocks or so, just to see if she's followed me, or lured me into some kind of false sense of security, but she wasn't there. It wasn't long before I arrived at my house again. My parents didn't seem to be home at the moment, so I decide just to go up to my room and get some peace and quiet.

Each stair feels farther away from the last. I'm beginning to regret eating all of those snacks; I think I'm going to be sick. Before I can throw up, I make it to my room, and slam the door behind me. I let it sink in that not once has any of them followed me home, convinced me to come back, or go on some other crazy adventure that I want no part of.

Breathing a huge sigh of relief, I slide down with my back against the door, until I'm sitting on the floor. I'll admit, I have some mixed feelings. Sure, I'll still probably see everyone else in passing around the neighborhood and such, but it won't be on a weekly basis like it used to be.

 _...I can live with that,_ I think to myself, smiling and shrugging.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since I've updated. Thanks for your patience.

**TEN YEARS LATER...**

* * *

"ARNOLD!" I nearly drop the lemonade I made myself as Janet howls my name.

"Coming!" Rushing out the back door, I find my nearly identical cousin reclined in a yellow lawn chair on our back porch, fanning herself with a paper fan beneath a matching umbrella.

" _Finally!_ " she dramatically throws her arms into the air. "What took you so long?! I've been absolutely _parched!_ "

"S-sorry! It-it takes a while to make lemonade from scratch, you know."

"Are you talking _back_ to me, Arnie?"

"N-no, not at all!" I stammer nervously.

She glares at me, the reflection of her glasses. "'No' _what_ , Arnold?"

"No, _ma'am_! I won't talk back, _ma'am_!" I flinch as she snatches the lemonade from my hand.

"That's what I _thought_." Snapping her fingers and pointing down, I instinctively get on my hands and knees for her to use me as a footrest. Letting out a sigh under my breath, I'm just relieved no one else is here to see my humiliation. I honestly don't know _what_ put Janet in this kind of mood, but I know better than to step out of line. Call me a wuss if you like, but you clearly have not experienced her...(er, how do I put this?)... _punishments_ , first-hand. A decade may have gone by, but nothing has changed.

No, seriously. Nothing's changed. The only way we cartoons age is if a creator were to draw us as older than we are now, but since our show ended before then, we're stuck as the same grade-school kids we were back in the 90s. Sure, I live with my parents, but I'm from a _kids_ cartoon. Parents are pretty much useless here. Judaism is the closest belief to my heart, and I personally think Hell is kind of a silly concept used to scare the masses, but sometimes I wonder if I was killed during filming one of the episodes, and Janet is my eternal punishment for whatever reason.

"Arnold! There you are!" I freeze as I hear Wanda's voice above me.

"What do you want with my footstool, peasant?" Janet spits.

"Janet, Arnold is not your footstool!" I yelp as she yanks my arm hard enough to make me stand up. "He's _my_ animal tracker," she beams as she winks at me, but that grin tells me she's only kidding a little bit. Before either of us can protest any further, Wanda runs from the yard, dragging me behind her.

* * *

"So...who did you lose this time?"

"My pet squirrel, Pecan," she says it as if it's not only normal to have a pet squirrel, but to lose it, too. But, then again, when you're Wanda..."I found her injured in the backyard the other day, so I've been working to nurse her back to health."

"You sure she didn't just go back to her home in the woods? You know, where she _belongs?_ " I take a step back as Wanda whips around to face me, hands on her hips.

"I just want to make sure she's _okay!_ Is _that_ so much to ask?!"

"...No, I guess not..."

"Great! Then let's go!"

* * *

Three knee scrapes and two elbow scrapes from climbing various trees, a poison ivy rash on my back, soaked clothes from falling into a stream, and various other bumps, scratches, and bruises later, I finally found that stupid squirrel, with half her bandage torn off, but she seemed pretty healed already.

Phoebe noticed me in my condition, and offered to patch me up back at my house. 

"I knew I should have stayed home today," I grumbled to her.

"Why do you let them just boss you around and treat you like that?" Phoebe asks as she puts the calamine lotion on my back.

"You do know this is Janet and Wanda we're talking about, right?"

" _I_ wouldn't take it."

"Well, in that case, why don't _you_ go up to them, and tell them firmly and effectively to stop pushing me around?"

" _Me?_ Go and confront them?" She's quiet as she wipes the pink liquid from her hands. I can tell the thought scares her. "Alright, I suppose you have a point." Pulling my shirt back on, Phoebe helps me lay down on the couch. "There you go. Take it easy." Smiling shyly, she scoots closer to me.

"I'm going to miss you when you're gone." If I'm being completely honest, that was only partially true. Phoebe's not quite like the other girls: she's kind, sweet, and tries not to bother anyone...but not much of a personality beyond that. Janet and Wanda can be relentless about gaining my attention. I only got into a relationship with Phoebe to get a little bit more breathing room from Janet and Wanda, so mostly what I'd miss is an excuse to get away. 

"I'm not moving far, Arnold. Besides, we can always keep in touch by calling each other and e-mailing and stuff."

"That's true."

"I should probably get home, though. My dad worries when I'm not around."

"Keeping the tapes of your voice around the house didn't work?"

"He's blind, not stupid." She kisses me on the forehead. "See you tomorrow." 

Leaning back into the pillow, I take off my glasses and close my eyes. I smile at the first peaceful silence I've gotten all day. My head droops to one side as I prepare to sleep.

"ARNOLD! GET UP HERE! IT'S TIME FOR MY FOOT RUB!" Janet screams. So much for that silence.

"...Coming..." I groan.


End file.
